A Mom's Advice for Middle School Survival (The Buffalo News, Women'sVoices Column, June 7, 2014)

Julia & Ashley's first dance ~ JDRF Charity Ball ~ April 2014

 

My Dearest Middle School Daughters,

With the first year of middle school, and all its new friends-boys-cell phones-social media-common core drama, nearly behind us (for summer anyway), I have found myself constantly reflecting on just how different the world you are navigating is from the one in which I grew up.  The following are a few nuggets of wisdom that life has bestowed upon me, which have stood the test of time (and technology), and will serve you well in the years to come.

 

“People will love you. People will hate you. And none of it will have anything to do with you.” ~Abraham Hicks 

Know that every single person in this world is insecure about something.  These insecurities can be displayed in unflattering outward behaviors, ranging from bragging and bullying to pretending not to care.  This is often because of some past emotional scar or present painful circumstance.  You will save yourself a great deal of heartache if you understand other people’s behavior is rarely about you, but has everything to do with how they feel about themselves and what is going on in their own lives.

 

 

Never ever look into the eyes of another person (boys especially) in search of your value.  Mirrors are made for such things.  You are so much more than the number of likes you receive or followers you have on Instagram, or the labels you sport to school.  There will be friends – the super smart ones – who will notice your inner awesome as well as your outward flare, but YOU need to recognize it first.  You must own all that you are before your full potential can be unlocked and displayed for others to see.  So put down your phone and look at yourself and the world through your own lens and not that of your phone’s camera.  As Glinda, from The Wizard of Oz, in all her glittery goodness so aptly said, “You have always had the power, my Dear; you just had to learn it for yourself.”

 

Kindness is cool and manners rock.  Be kind and thoughtful to everyone, even those who don’t deserve it.  (Especially them.)  The smallest kindness, compliment or gesture could change the course of someone’s day or life even. Truly.  It is as easy to lift people up as it is to put them down and it feel SO much better.  The beauty of kindness is that it also makes your day.  A word of caution: kindness is not to be confused with pleasing.  Pleasing is an unhealthy form of kindness often leading to one-sided, hurtful relationships.

   

Trust your gut.  Listen to the tiny voice inside yourself that tells you something is right or wrong.  You will rarely make a mistake if you do this.  If you don’t want to do something, don’t.  No explanation necessary.  Better yet, blame me.  “Sorry, my mom won’t let me.  And she can be a nightmare!”  This strikes fear and instant understanding in the heart of anyone with a parent.

 

Get involved and be open to new experiences and friends.  Try out for a sport, join a club and learn who you are.  Most importantly, try to look at those community service hours as more than a graduation requirement you are obligated to fulfill.  Charity work is one of the most meaningful things you will ever do in your lifetime.  It will directly and profoundly impact you and the person or cause you are helping in immeasurable and lasting ways.

 

Slow down, have a ball and LOL every single day. In the words of Henry David Thoreau, “Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink (soda, slushies, cider, hot chocolate – ok, mom’s words, not Thoreau’s), taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each.”   Don’t be in such a rush to be older.  Truly enjoy and treasure this time.  Soon enough you will long for the days when someone else bought the groceries, washed your clothes, paid the bills and told you to turn off your phone and go to bed on time.

 

Until then,

Be you, be nice and know that I love you beyond words,

Mommy

 

Don't Let Electronics Replace Real Talk (The Buffalo News, Women's Voices Column, March 30, 2013)

Our Family ~ Ashley, Melissa, Jack & Julia - September 2012

 

 

 

“It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.” ~Albert Einstein

 

After weeks of Christmas prep, school functions and charity projects, I scheduled a little “me” time late one afternoon and snuck out for a quick mani/pedi.  Armed with my cell phone, I looked forward to a full hour plus of Words with Friends, reading email and replying to day(s) old texts and Facebook messages.  As I surrendered my hands to the angel before me, I had an experience that stopped me in my technological tracks. 


Another escapee, in full wet-nail mode, took an incoming call on her cell phone and proceeded to have a personal conversation…via speaker phone!  Yup, I listened to her chat with her hubby about whether or not she had picked up the raspberries and where they should meet to exchange cars, among other things.  No shame or whispering that she would call back in a few minutes.  They had an entire conversation, complete with irritated voices, and never a mention that he was conversing in front of an audience. 



Upon reflection, I feel compelled to throw the tiniest of pebbles from my little glass house by proclaiming that I do believe cell phones and ipods, are adding tremendous stress to our lives, destroying manners and short-circuiting the properly developed social skills of children at tender, young ages.

 

Look around any public place, from waiting rooms to restaurants, and you will be hard-pressed not to see most everyone with some sort of handheld electronic device.  Instead of talking to one another, the world has become programmed to expect, demand even, instant gratification, often mistaking immediate electronic feedback for true connection and authentic relationships. 


For many, this begins well before basic social skills and manners have been age-appropriately and fully developed.  Consequently, the unfiltered thoughts and knee-jerk reactions of children and adults can and do go far beyond what is typical of face-to-face interactions, often wounding, leaving scars and causing social repercussions that are sometimes irreparable.
 

As the mother of one teenage son and twin “tweenage” girls, the introduction of cell phones and ipods (which are thinly veiled iphones when connected to wifi) into our household has added a heaping dose of drama and nearly driven me crazy.  Though these devices do entertain and make communication a breeze, I find myself in an almost constant policy-making position; policing, paring down usage and eventual docking times and locations almost daily. 


In the midst of this madness, I’ve discovered that when infractions occur which result in the loss of electronic privileges, my children (after a period of withdrawal) become softer, nicer human beings who actually play and interface the good, old-fashioned way.  Imagine that?  I now find myself actually looking for reasons to take them away and, at times, I think they are as relieved as I am. 

 

I must confess that what began as an attachment to my cell phone has blossomed into a full-blown love/hate relationship, causing me to evaluate even my own behavior.  I am striving to walk the talk, however, and have begun to set firm boundaries about when I will and won’t let the demands of the outside world into my present personal time and relationships.  Though I am a work in progress, the results continue to be eye-opening and have convinced me that we should all try a little harder to keep technology in its proper place.  


If we strive to power down our electronic addictions, humanity just may prevail.

 



A Beautiful Day for a Beautiful Cause (The Journal-Register, Medina, NY, November 23, 2012 ~ The Daily News, Batavia, NY, November 24, 2012 ~ Lockport Union-Sun & Journal, November 28, 2012)

Jack, Julia, Melissa & Ashley at the

24th Annual Richard Knights - Sue Kaderli Walk/Run

I could see the gray light of dawn peek through my bedroom shades as I lie awake listening to the skies open up and give way to steady rain. I knew the day would be beautiful though. Logistically, rain might change the turnout a bit, but the gathering would still be perfect. It was October 6th and, as if on cue, my daily tear-off calendar read “Bring people together.” That was exactly the plan for the day, just as it had been on the first Saturday of October for 23 years.

October 6th marked the 24th anniversary of the Richard Knights – Sue Kaderli Walk/Run. A day when two families, together with the community, unite to walk/run the gorgeous country roads of Orleans County to honor, support and remember those whose lives have been touched by cancer. It is a day of smiles and stories, familiar faces and fun. All the money raised this day is given to financially burdened cancer patients who reside within the county.

The Richard Knights – Sue Kaderli Memorial Fund was founded in memory of my dad, who lost his battle with cancer when he was only 38 years old, and the mother of our dear friends, the Kaderli Family. Our collective loss has driven us to carry out the mission of providing financial assistance to those struggling to make ends meet while undergoing cancer treatment. This charity continues to grow beyond our expectations and seems to have taken on a life of its own; with numerous third-party fundraisers hosted by families we have had the humble privilege of helping over the years. 
 

Each year, I look forward to this day like no other and am touched beyond words when I hear stories of the ripple effects our assistance has had on so many lives. It strikes me as I look out over the crowd, that none of us knows the day-to-day struggles we each endure. Suffering, in many different forms, surrounds us every day. On this day though, we all feel a little more supported and connected to each other as we gather for the greater good. There is something magically healing about that. Perhaps this is our real mission. Wouldn’t all of our lives be that much better if we slowed down each day and made the smallest effort to connect in this same way? 
 

This work has ignited a passion in me that has spilled over into nearly everything I do, not the least of which is my mothering. As much as it breaks my heart that my children will never know what a hilarious, beautiful soul their grandfather was, I love that this is how they know him. To them, this is his legacy. They are aware of the compassion and hope our charity provides and witness the relief and support it lends to those who need it. There is no way I could teach them these things with words, they must be experienced to be fully understood. For this, I am so grateful and fortunate.

 

 

After setting up the evening before our event, my daughter asked from the back seat, “Mommy, if your dad was alive would we still do this?” I paused, then replied quietly,“Probably not.” At that moment, for the first time ever, I wondered not what life would be like if my dad had lived, but how the lives of so many would be different if it were not for his death and the blessings the Richard Knights - Sue Kaderli Memorial Fund has brought to us all. Maybe this is what peace feels like after tragedy, when goodness and grace transcend grief and sorrow, though I’m still not sure. What I do know is that our mission has helped fill the hole left behind by tremendous loss, given immeasurably back to our families and, most importantly, allowed those living with cancer the chance to focus on getting well.

 

 

In her book The Happiness Project, author Gretchen Rubin writes “we expect heroic virtue to look flashy, but ordinary life is full of opportunities for worthy, if inconspicuous, virtue.” What a joy it is to be surrounded by virtue and the heroes of this amazing small community!

   

Handwritten Letter is a Timeless Memento (The Buffalo News, My View Column - July 29, 2012)

Our Family ~ (left to right) Stacey, Dick, Melissa, Sue & Aaron

 

From the time my kids could pick up a crayon, I have been ridiculously sentimental about everything they have ever penned, from scribbles and stick figures to beautiful poems, stories and sentiments. Consequently, I am overwhelmed and inundated with paper!  Many mommies I know have this little battle each day with the amount of paper that comes in versus the amount they are able to recycle or file away before the next day's backpacks are unzipped and explode onto the kitchen counter tops.  While most are discerning, ridding themselves of all but the important pieces, I have a difficult time parting with anything my kids have ever drawn or written. For years this has plagued me. How could an organized purger like me struggle so to dispose of even the most trivial scraps of paper? It dawned on me recently that handwritten sentiments, in all their simplicity, are amazingly powerful, and my connection and unusual attachment to them is deeply rooted in a loss that will forever color my world.

 

For 28 years, I have missed my dad every day. Father's Day has always been particularly empty. He died when I was in high school, cancer quietly and quickly staking its claim on his unsuspecting 38-year-old body, robbing our family and the world of an amazing light.  Best know for his hilarious sense of humor and goofy antics, he was kind to all who crossed his path and truly liked by those fortunate enough to know him.

 

He adored his family, had sun-worn good looks and a soft spot for spaghetti and Elvis. In the numb months that followed his untimely death, most of his belongings were donated or carefully preserved and tucked away. Among the few items that remain are letters he wrote to my mom, sister, brother and me from his hospital bed in his dying days.

 

I cannot fathom how I would ever express all that I needed to say if I knew I were leaving my kids to go on without me. I can barely complete the thought. I suspect this act gave my dad a measure of comfort and peace, writing what was impossible to speak. As my memories of him fade, his handwritten letter to me is all that I have left of him - a man personified on a piece of notebook paper.

 

I encourage everyone to tell the people you love how you feel about them. Put it in writing, your beautiful handwriting. Tell them all the things you might find hard to say out loud - your feelings, memories, regrets and dreams. Share how loving them has impacted your life. It doesn't have to be deeply philosophical or the least bit perfect, just you. In this era of texts, tweets, emails, blogs, Facebook and other impersonal electronic communication, your handwritten words will be a timeless memento and beautiful legacy of your life and relationships for generations to come.

 

This year, I pledge to make peace with all the paper and organize it in some sane fashion, perhaps even toss a little. In honor of Father's Day, I framed my dad's letter so I can read it every day and marvel at the beauty of his penmanship, as well as his feelings and wishes for my life.

 

What was once too painful to read, now graces the top of my dresser as a daily reminder that we are only promised today. I am so grateful to have something as personal and profound as this to cherish and remember.